ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
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Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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