It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize