Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
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