did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Randomize
