so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
