he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
