I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Randomize
