I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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