You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
