The brown eye won't let me do that either.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Randomize