please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize