The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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