dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
