This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Randomize
