WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
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