guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
