doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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