just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Randomize
