Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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