I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
