apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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