we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize