I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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