I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
