Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
he shaved USA in his pubs
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
