we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
