Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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