I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Liz is crying about burritos again.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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