You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
