I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Randomize
