I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Are these your boobs on my camera?
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
