Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
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