omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
A bitchslap is in order.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
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