I was born with a shot glass in my hand
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
