I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Randomize