Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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