You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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