It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
