From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
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