My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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