i think i have two assholes
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
