What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
