We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Randomize
