dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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