I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
