I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
