Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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