time to smoke my breakfast
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
