you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
I hope mine doesn't look like that
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
vagina is talking i cant
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Randomize
