Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
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