ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
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