I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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