It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
