Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize