just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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