i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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