Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
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