I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Randomize