if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
