meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
