remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
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