guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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