I want to have your abortion
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Randomize
