Banned from zoo.
Again?
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
