The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Randomize
