Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
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