We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
