Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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