i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Randomize
