apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Randomize
