don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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